Post Spring Break

Things have been moving along here. It seems like we are always busy yet I never know quite what we have done.

We had a somewhat uneventful spring break. For weeks before spring break, I looked up things to do. Then it arrived and well, we did some of it.

We did go to the science museum for one day. We went out to lunch with DH to a buffet (always a hit). That day I came home and vowed to get over my sugar and carb addiction as I felt like crud even driving home. I almost had to pull over because I was so tired. That is bad news! I came home and told the kids to NOT do their chores and just go watch a show together and I ZONKED out. Luckily, M was home and she would be the first one to wake me if things were amiss. T, D, and C went skiing with DH. C is doing great skiing from the top of the mountain. It's hard to believe she is only 4. That day, M and S went to lunch with me and a friend and then I took the two of them to a great park to play. I wasn't trying to torture S. She just can't ski right now as she is too defiant and well, defiance has no place on a ski lift. I had plans for a couple of other places but S was struggling too much to go anywhere. DH and I got a break and hired an older sitter to come so we could go to the ballet. We went to Z-Tejas. Oh they have yummy stuff on their gluten free menu. I told DH that I could not believe the difference between how I felt there and how I felt after indulging in carbs at a buffet.

I also went to a parent convention for suzuki music parents. It was interesting because the convention didn't really tell me a lot I didn't already know about trying to help kids with music. It did, however, have some really good reminders of things I need to consider with S. They really had nothing to do with music and I am sorry for all the other attendees that had to sit through the shpill... but I needed to hear it. I'm trying to remember a few different things from her to see if we can get different results. I just finally got around to remembering that I can do NOTHING to change her. I can only change ME. UGH! So I guess I have to be the one changing.

The kids are back in school this week. It's great for them and great for me. Of course, we started all of our other activities as well. I have to brag for just a minute on my boys. We had our pinewood derby last night. DH insisted that the boys do their own cars. They designed, cut, sanded and painted their cars. We weighted them with some change and duct tape. These were NOT fancy shmancy cars. They both did pretty well. The tape over the quarters was rubbing on T's pig patrol car. We put the tape on the bottom so it wouldn't cover T's 'designer' pig car. It didn't work so well as the car rubbed on the track a bit. Still, he won a race or two and got second frequently. D's car 'The Harry Potter', had nickles and pennies on top because our duct tape was black and so was his car. He was so thrilled that night. I loved that he was really happy for T and everyone else when they did well. And wouldn't you know it, D ended in third place for all the boys in the troop. I was so glad DH stuck to his guns and had the boys do the work themselves.

In other news, I lost my keys at the store today. I looked through my purse many times and couldn't see a thing. C started to go through my purse and pulled them out. She claimed she 'saved the day' and then cried. She told me, "It's okay, sometimes we cry happy tears."

M had a super fabulous violin lesson and surprised her teacher with Seitz Concerto #5 3rd mvmt. I know, you can find 5 or 6 year olds on youtube that play it but I was still so proud of her. She learned and memorized the whole thing in two weeks. She has so much to practice before her summer camp. I'm still trying to track down her Shostokovich music. It's hard to find. I hate for her to have so much practice, but most of the time she seems to find so much joy in playing. Life is busy now with dance too though as she has a performance in two weeks. (It's her first one being lifted by boys... AUGH!)

T has been on a good roll this week. He went in and shocked his teacher today. He had memorized one new song, learned another with the music, and then went in and played another by ear that he had been playing for 'fun'. I had told both T and M that if they went in with certain things they could have a trip to the dollar store for one item. They surpassed my expectations. Tonight it was so fun to take them to the store. T was a kid in a candy store. I couldn't believe how happy one thing from the dollar store could make him. It made me think that for all of our faults, we are doing something right with the kids. A trip to the dollar store isn't unappreciated. T starts a big set of two weeks for swim this Saturday. He has 4 days of meets in a two week period. It's going to be tricky for all of us. I'll be glad to have a break for most of May after that.

D is still on could nine from the derby. It's also been great for him to go back to school. It's not that I am trying to get rid of him. He just thrives in that structured environment. It made me realize that I need to come up with a good plan for the summer. He loves to not have things to do and lots of free time, but it drives him crazy at the same time. So, I need to spend a little time working that out. He didn't freak out at his lesson today and we didn't mention when he got a little bit stuck doing the same thing over and over in a song. It's not worth it. It's not the goal. I want him to love music and let it work in his brain. He'll end up with great tone because he is such a good practicer.

S, well, we have had some better days. She did punch C in the nose this week. C did go in her room, but well, you know generally your response isn't to hit someone in the face. That wasn't so great. She's had a lot of time with dear ol' mom in the past few weeks because she does things that makes it so she can't be unsupervised. Well, and the vinyl lettering in her room is now trashed. But she has seemed to snap out of things more quickly since I'm trying a few new things. I've just got to catch her before that cortisol takes over and boy is that hard. I'm hopeful. Today she did great helping me at the store and didn't throw a single fit. She's really excited about her school program right now. I'm sure she'll be pretty cute in it. She's a monkey.

C has been a pill at times and then hilarious at others. The last few days she has been in to wearing berets. When she's not saving the day, she is wanting to play. Lately we have butted heads a few times because well, she is 4 and kids that age just want what they want right then.

Oh, I bought animal cheater chopsticks... that has been quite a highlight for our kids. They LOVE eating with them.

And lastly, the reason this blog is so long is that our dog is not doing well, and I fear that my next blog may be announcing her death. She is quite old, almost 13 which is old for a lab. Still, I hate to see her so feeble. She hasn't really been eating much and isn't getting up for too much anymore. We are guessing that she can no longer see well. She has aged a lot in the last year or two but the last month we have seen things go downhill fast. Today she didn't even take a sip of the meat juice I put in her bowl.

And that is where we are at. DH is going snowboarding tomorrow. It's the end of the season and he has one pass left. It's crazy that there could be fresh snow up there. I'm going to do my regular Friday thing.

Life is good. It may not seem like it to outsiders, but even with all the craziness, the flowers are still blooming and there is beauty everywhere.

Today T was named swimmer of the week for his team. I was really surprised. What is even more funny is that he got a free pizza gift certificate. He's one of the people in the family who can't eat pizza. The graveside services for that sweet baby are tomorrow. This week has made me just think so much. Tonight DH and I went on a date. After dinner, we went over to my least favorite discount store to wander around. After all, we have wandered around the stores in our town often enough and needed something new. As we wandered I remembered that awful feeling of going to such a store after burying your baby. I wandered as if I didn't know where I was going. And then when I got to the baby section it was as if it were not allowed. But I had to go in because I still had a kid in diapers. Still, my mind kept saying, "No, not for you miss." I'd let my hand graze a small baby outfit and it would feel so foreign. I just HAD to touch them yet I couldn't let myself enjoy them. Oh it's so awful going to the store. It took so long after both my boys before I could walk in a baby section and buy a gift without feeling like an alien. Anyway... just a memory. I'm so glad I am years out x2 on this whole thing. For so many years I just wanted to have a reason to be in the baby section of a store and now I am thrilled to be out of it. How life changes!

Grief

I've had an experience the past few days that reminded me how hard grief can be. A neighbor of mine lost her baby. She was full term when her baby's cord compressed and caused it to be stillborn. I sit here, still at such a loss of what I can do. It's because, quite frankly, I know there is NOTHING I really do. When I found out the news it made me so frantic. Having done this twice, I feel like a bit of a pro. With tears streaming down my face I kept silently saying, "They are going to run out of time." How do you squish a lifetime's worth of memories into a day? You don't. You just don't get them. I didn't know what to do. Should I go out there? They only had so much time as a family. Would I be intruding? Is there something I could say that would help them have one less regret later? You see, this dear neighbor of mine has a special place in my heart when it comes to one of my boys. When I was pregnant with Joshua, there were so many pregnant ladies. And it seemed like ALL of them were having girls. She was due with a boy not a month later and so we had determined our boys could be buddies. Well, unfortunately, we didn't quite make it with the follow through on that one. But year after year on or near Joshua's birthday I would get a call or a quick visit. Hey we are thinking of you was the message each time. She remembers my baby's birthday. Not many people, even in my close circle of friends remembers. (And heck, how could anyone who met the kid forget him. He was so dang cute and such a little hunk of a boy!) So knowing that she was going to experience a similar heartache was just about all I could bear yesterday. My heart has rarely felt so incredibly heavy. And this time the grief wasn't just about me. It did bring up those deep feelings of grief for my boys and how I missed them. But I just had such a sadness that she now has to really get it. You can't get it unless you have been there. You can be so sad for someone. But then, something happens and you can let your mind wander from it for a minute. You can let your world go on for a while until you remember how awful things are for that person. When you are in the club, however, it's a different story. I guess it's a good thing that most people literally can only try to understand because it's so painful that you don't really want everyone to know what it feels like. Anyway, I did go for a visit and I got to visit her little angel. Oh my goodness he was a sweet beautiful little baby. I got to touch his soft skin and admire his beautiful hands and feet. His fingers were divine. I feel fortunate to have been able to caress his little head. He's the only little angel baby I have ever held except my own. Angel babies bring a different feeling to the room. Yes, there is sadness, but it isn't just that. They bring with them reverence for life and for the life after death. Oh, how fortunate I was to get to meet his little body. And now I grieve for my friend. I wish I didn't know what was ahead of her. I don't want her to have to endure it, but there is no other way. You can't shortchange grief. It's always gets its way. For now, I'll count my blessings, all seven of mine and pray that I can help her shoulder some of her cares now.

All Caught Up

No, that is not on my house. But I finally have my pictures pretty caught up on the photo blog. That is a big feat considering how behind I was.

Trip to AZ and Catching Up

We recently went on our Joshua trip to Arizona. It was lovely there. The kids thought it was a bit on the hot side. They don't know what hot is. It was in the low 80s and that is so NOT hot. We went to our little flower store and it is getting sadder and sadder each time. I guess that's what you get for being in a less than optimal neighborhood. I mentioned to DH that one of these times it will be gone and I'll be so sad. I guess our 50 bucks a year there won't keep them afloat.

I was so proud of M. She had a mixed message the night before Joshua's birthday and thought DH wasn't keeping a promise to take them to the park. She was really disappointed because generally, we just don't break promises. We pride ourselves on being promise keepers. DH told her she could place the flowers on Joshua's grave. That fixed everything because, with only two graves, and five kids to place flowers, vase space is at a premium.

The next morning she kept asking when we were going to tell C that she wasn't going to get to place the flowers. I told her to stop talking about it because I didn't want fits any earlier than they would eventually happen. When we got there, we walked out to his little grave with M carrying the flowers. Instead of walking over there to put the flowers in his vase, she stood by and then started handing them out to her siblings so they could fill his vase. It made me so pleased to see her acting so maturely. She's a great kid. Of course I got teary because that's what mom's with dead kids do, but I blamed it on how touched I was that M thought of others instead of herself.

We took them to lunch and headed to the baseball field. The team we watched played at a new field and boy was it a beauty. We had to walk past the many training fields on the way in. Suddenly, a ball flew over the backstop. Hmmm.... DH grabbed it and handed it to a kid. We thought, "Cool. A Major League ball." Then another one flew over. So we entered the game with two balls. On the way out we spotted 3 more by the training fields. In the end, all the kids got balls. Oh, and at the baseball game C looks at me and says out of the blue, "Jesus made the whole world (said like wowd)." That kid! She's so random.

We went to our favorite shaved ice place like we always do. How many out of staters keep a frequent buyers card for a shaved ice place? I think it's a little crazy. Luckily, it was near a good friend's house and she brought her kids and most of the neighborhood over to see us.

And then the day was pretty much over. We had much to do to get ready to go home. I was disappointed that we didn't get to see more people that trip. Usually we try to visit so many friends and this trip just didn't afford that kind of luxury. But it was a mission accomplished type of trip. We celebrated Joshua's birthday. C got a little confused and thought she should get shoes too. Sorry kiddo! That's on Nikolas's birthday. My baby would have been 6. I bet he would have been a tank on the playground. Having S be that age (just 6 days older), I see little boys all the time who would be his pals. On Sunday, we went to church at a friend's building. It was early and we wanted to go see DH's grandma that day. I didn't realize that the first person I ever babysat for was in that congregation. She was there with her husband and youngest son, a boy who had difficulties at birth and has been disabled ever since. I couldn't believe how he had grown. He said a few things and I marveled that he was able. I don't think doctors gave them a lot of hope of such things. He flipped through some open the flap type of books. I was amazed. This was the little boy who went to therapy with his mom while I babysat his sisters when I was M's age. It made me think quite a bit about my Joshua. Of course I wanted to save him. What mom wouldn't. I knew what a cold deceased baby felt like compared to the two warm living ones I had given birth to. I wanted that warm snuggly baby. But Joshua's cord wasn't giving him the best of things those last moments. What would his life had been like had he lived. I would have loved him but there would have been challenges as he wasn't getting all he needed. I guess we are all set to have challenges one way or the other. We just never know what they will be like. And I remember that Joshua gave me my little C. No doctors would have taken us seriously if we hadn't had two stillborn babies. C's little cord didn't kill her because the doctors were so careful with her. I can't chose who I would want more. But I don't think I could have had both of them. Two weeks in the hospital waiting for the day when her cord was going to push her to her limits was enough to prove to me that she was saved by Joshua's result.

Anywho.... As for the rest of the trip... M had fun sitting in the back row of the car. It was her victory to have more room for her stuff. T loved playing outside. D decided that the middle seat in the middle row wasn't all he thought it would be. Controlling the DVD player just might not be worth the smaller amount of legroom. S struggled like crazy. She got mad at M for telling us that she wasn't buckled in the car (sorry... lies about that don't work. You can't just deny that you aren't buckled when we can see the buckle.) She ended up dumping M's water bottle all over M's leather seat. That didn't make for a happy M or mom. She got to help me clean both the outside and inside of the car. And C, she just loved playing. She liked the nice weather. She also liked handing out food in the car.

In other news.....

M had a fun latenight with friends. She worked at my mom's sportshow booth recently and had a lot of fun. She loves her grandma. Today she cracked me up. We headed out to church and she wore a white skirt because it was the first day of spring. We got there and as we walked in I noticed a huge problem. You can't go to church in a white eyelet skirt without a slip. Needless to say, we ended up being late.

T had a good walking report card. I could pick out his writing work on the wall. It was the shortest. T isn't one for writing any more than he has to. A friend at school brought him a beanie baby that is a pig. That kid and his pigs!

D had a great report card. He'd had a rough day that day as it was the second day back from our trip and he felt a little out of control. That kept up for a few days. It's been quite a long time since he was out of control. I think he's ready to be done. We tried to talk about how he can handle those feelings. Still, great report card. He's a really hardworking little boy.

S had some good moments. A few times she really seemed to want to share. I found an analogy that sort of works for her. I showed her some saltine crackers and then pretended to throw a fit saying I wanted them to turn into snicker bars. I asked why they couldn't just turn into snicker bars. She replied that they aren't supposed to. Then I asked why she keeps throwing fits when it never gets her what she wants. She is really into food and so maybe that will work for a while. She bought a new bear at a yard sale and is thrilled with it. It's name is Chocolate. Imagine that! Academically she is fine at school. She didn't do so well on respects authority though. We'll keep working. We aren't giving up dang it.

C has been hilarious. Her new ballet class is so funny. Well, it's not funny, but she is in it. Her teacher was so surprised that she could do everything. I was as well because I put her in a class that is too old for her. She loves it. She says she just hates the 'bun part' because when they lay on their backs it hurts.

That's about it. Tomorrow I am sure I will be one tired mama. I should have gone to sleep long ago.

Wowsers what a week!

This week was STELLAR!

Here's the quick run down (and that's a lie because nothing I write is ever quick).

Wednesday was a hard day on S. She ended up hitting me among other things and wasn't behaving how she needs to to take her ballet class. Last week she wasn't choosing the right either and I couldn't leave her for her lesson. I called DH up to get some advice. S can't make up her classes as she is in school when other makeups are available. I wanted her to take ballet because she had been excited about it. But two weeks in a row equals almost 30 dollars of wasted dinero. And dance is a privilege, not a right. I just wanted her to have it. Anyway, I dropped T off to swim and headed to dance to talk to her teacher. DH and I decided we couldn't waste her tuition as we paid for the whole year. Her teacher agreed to have C take a different class in her place. It turned out to be a good choice. Apparently, she was quite defiant at ballet and was doing the fold her arms I will not do what you say thing there. I wish I would have known earlier that she was doing that at ballet and I would have pulled her earlier. Me dealing with that is one thing, but the dance teacher shouldn't have to. I talked to S about it. It's the same as everything else. "I like doing toe ball hill." If she doesn't think she should have to do something she just throws a stink.

C is thrilled to start ballet. But I am still sad for S.

Then Thursday came. She was still on one, but I sent her off to school. I later learned that she was super defiant for her teacher. There was an assignment where they were supposed to circle a specific word in the little paper. She did NONE of that. The teacher told them to not scribble at all. S scribbled huge scribbles all over every picture. S can color really well. She uses multiple colors and stays in all the lines when she is in the mood. When she came home she said she didn't 'hear' the instructions. Nice try. Later it came out she was mad the girls didn't win on some activity. Thursday she also sent her violin to the ground again. Luckily, this time it was in its case. She couldn't have a lesson. I couldn't let her play outside during lessons. She got stuck sitting there with me. Why does she keep picking things that make life NO FUN for her and me.

It hasn't stopped yet. I keep hoping but hoping isn't doing a whole heck of a lot. The thing is, it's still different. Her eyes are checked in right now. She just seems to act like she really doesn't care what the consequence is. She just wants to be in charge of everything. How at five can someone really think they can be in charge and ignore every authority figure?

If we get this worked out, she will probably do great things. DH reminded me that a lot of people who are very successful don't like to think inside the box or follow rules. (He's a closet optimist ;) )

In other news of the week....

I took T to swim on Thursday. I handed him a swimsuit and he said he already had one on. He thought he had slept in the one from the day before (ewwwww). Then I kept getting calls from a random phone number as I returned to violin but no one was ever there. When I went to pick him up I found out he didn't have a suit on. I guess he can't tell the difference. So he swam on Friday instead. It worked out because I was able to take another person's kid that day and lighten her load a bit.

M took a makeup class en pointe in D's class. She surprised me by how much she is coming along. I usually never get to watch and I watched the whole class. She was lovely!

The older three kids had dads and donuts this week. DH went to read to them for an hour at school. C was NOT happy about that. She so wanted to go. Instead we had mommy and C time. She got herself a stack of books and I read to her and then she had a muffin.

C also decided to make known who her favorite people are. She told me M was number two. Of course, I assumed I was number one. No, wrong again! It was my good friend. At the time I was number 3. Later that day daddy moved to number 3 and I dropped to 4. The plastic carebear from the dentist's treasure box moved to number 5. I barely ranked above a plastic toy! It made me laugh all night.

D came home from school with a letter to me from him. It was pretty cute. It talked about how he was glad we adopted him and then at the very end how he was so happy we gave him his own room so he didn't have to share with his messy brother. It's a letter I will keep.

Friday we did T's super absorbent polymer experiment in his class. I was so pleased with him. Other kids stood their while their parents did the work (granted sometimes it might have been too dangerous for kids...). T wrote out his 3 pages and followed them. He drew on the board what the polymers chains looked like when dry (like pig tails... imagine that!), what they tried to be like when wet (straight like spaghetti) and what they are like when neutralized (which makes the regular polymer into the super absorbent ones)... which shows them trying to straighten but they can't as they trap water. He grew them, stacked them in a graduated cylinder, let the kids in his class play with them. Anyway... I was pleased. And he came home telling me his class thought it was awesome.

Today M and C are skiing. DH would have taken S too as she also had only one day so far. But with her behavior we couldn't do it. You just can't leave a kid who won't obey in some untrained person's care especially when it entails hanging out on a ski lift. What would happen if she didn't chose to obey there? It's dangerous. Anyway... I am bummed for her. But she doesn't leave us much of a choice.

So it's the boys, S and me today. We are going to head to the dollar store to let D buy himself a yo-yo today. He's excited.

Oh and my house cleaners came. I think I will be trying someone else if I spend the money again. They didn't even do the baseboards in the bathroom. I told DH they sort of clean like I do and that's what I was hiring them to fix. Anyway... I'll be calling the master cleaner Sylvia next time I need my bathrooms done. She's awesome.

Okay I'll Stop

I just told S to go and brush her teeth again. (You know how kids don't usually get the upper back teeth so well.) Anyway, she was a little frustrated with me and decided to change the subject to other things. I told her to just go brush her teeth.

Frustration continued. She dropped to her back on the ground, started kicking her legs, and complained. I just looked at her and then suddenly she popped up and said, "Okay, I'll stop."