The Good and The Ugly

Let me start out nice and chipper.

We found an earth angel. She's the therapist we found at the place that specializes just in kids. I was so hesitant to try therapy again. It seems like so much of it last time didn't accomplish much. I did get a few things from it but in reality when looking back it didn't pay off for the amount of work it took to get the other kids watched while I went with each kid.

I was feeling a little frazzled the morning of the appointment. M had a talent show that morning. Then I came home to finish filling out the paperwork for the therapist and a lady from the preschool stopped by because she was around and needed to make a contact. I guess I'll give the lady a name. It's Jan and she is super nice. I pretty much told her that we could get the meeting out of the way if she didn't mind me filling out this other paperwork while we spoke and if she could ignore my house. Then I took D over to another friend's house so he could hang out there for 30 minutes until K started. S and I then went to pick up DH so we could make the trek together. I called DH's sister on the way up to tell her we had left and found out that her schedule had gotten a little crazy and she had forgotten. In the end, it all worked out. She came and got the baby from another SIL's house that was a hop skip and a jump away from the therapy place.

Once we got in the center S went for the toys. There was a little dark haired girl there that was probably around 3. She asked me who DH was and I replied it was S's daddy. The little girl started calling DH daddy. It made me really sad because that wasn't a name just associated with her daddy. When her mom or guardian came to get her she pointed to DH and said he was daddy and the lady corrected her.

So onto angel therapist. We went in her office. Out came the toys. S tried to push a few boundaries but angel therapist told her no.

Throughout the 2 hour meeting we learned the following:

S needs to soothe our dog. She said that it would really help her. The dog is now her responsibility (with us checking up frequently of course). S is so happy to feed her, give her water, scoop her waste, and give her hugs. When she starts to be really grouchy I send her out and tell her the dog is old and tired and needs some extra attention. S is just so proud of her new job. She went to the neighbor's today (her best buddy has been out of town for the long weekend) and was so excited to tell of her responsibility.

She also told us that S and D will always be able to sense when we are feeling like we need a break. She said the biokids just aren't programmed to have the same keen senses. So we are to try to reframe feelings of being manipulated with, "Wow, that is amazing that this kid can adapt to try to meet her needs." It's a tricky thing to reframe but with S it has been working.

She encouraged us to stop things when they start. (Which we knew for certain.) But she said to just be frank. "Is this working for you? Just tell me what you really want and I'll tell you if it's possible and what it takes to make it work." For S this has been working. It really throws her off guard and she stops her tantrums.

One really crazy thing she told us was that we aren't going to be able to get her to stop getting in people's personal space until we reeducated her about her body. She said that most RADishes are klutzy. It's because they have no sense of personal space and in turn just don't pay attention their bodies and space in general. That really does explain how she can run into walls and trip over just about anything. She said that swimming and karate are really great activities. She said karate is super great because they reinforce respecting your elders. She said it needs to be very disciplined but still promote awareness of where she is in her space. Until then she will still grab onto strangers but hopefully we learned from our incident at the ball game where she was touching the hairy leg of the man next to her.

Lastly, she said that we need to make her life super predictable. She said that before we go somewhere we should say something like, "Okay, we are going to get in the car when the big hand is on the such and such (which means we need a clock), then you are going to climb in the car and get buckled into your seat. " She said the predictability is key. I never thought of things like this causing her anxiety but I guess it could. Today when she asked me over and over if we were almost home (still 45 min away) I told her we would almost be home after we passed DH's work and after we entered neighborhoods. It worked like a charm.

So this angel therapist gave us great advice and it's working. It has really worked for my attachment to her as well. I have been wanting to pick her up and tickle her and not just do it because she needs it. She was filling my tank a bit.

But all can't be good and angel therapy isn't quite cutting it yet with my other RADish. He had a great time at DH's parents' cabin. He went for 4 nights to celebrate his kindergarten graduation. I was really encouraged because things went so well with S while he was there. I thought I had some of these techniques under my belt.

I flopped.

The noise level went up fast when he arrived home. It had been so quiet with just moderate bickering now and then between siblings. I tried to do the predict how everything will go thing with him. I gave him tons of attention. I showed him how we worked in his room so T's stuff wouldn't be cluttering his closet. (T has been pretty much living in M's room while we wait on his flooring.) I snuggled with him and gave him lots of thumbs ups.

Then it happened. It was bedtime. Before sending him off I told him how I knew the sun was up but that his body still needed sleep whether the sun is up or not. I reminded him that he is expected to stay in his bed and to be quiet as he tries to sleep.

It worked for maybe 10 minutes. The little girls were both asleep by then. Then he opened the door and started screaming that he couldn't sleep. (You know, because screaming it is going to make it happen NOT!) I ignored the behavior and ignored it and finally I couldn't hack it anymore. He was going to wake up the other two so I went back and said that if he needed to be quiet as he tried to go to sleep or there would be extra chores the next morning.

Then it started. I was the rudest mom ever. (That's his adjective of me.) It was my fault he couldn't sleep because it was too bright in his room. And he screamed and screamed. We were now going on almost two hours of him screaming and I called DH and he said to send him to the basement if he was going to scream. And then it got even louder and more horrible.

And although I know to take what a kindergartner says with a grain of salt. there is a side of me that just can't take it. I'm not that thick skinned to try so hard to do what is right and have someone just rip into me all the time.

I picked him up when he wouldn't leave his room to go to the basement (because he was going to wake up the girls) and set him down at the top of the stairs. He just screamed at me more and then I did what I hate to do.

I told him he could chose to obey or I would find something to throw away.

I'll admit, this is a MISTAKE on my part. I told him to remember that I would follow through or I would be a liar he coudln't believe and that I really wanted him to have his stuff because I wanted him to be happy but that I would let him chose. So he went downstairs and started his tirade again and began throwing toys.

I quietly slipped out of the house and went two doors down and asked my neighbor to sit in my house while I had five minutes.

(If this were a play I would say enter Second Angel.)

I left and intended to go and get a Diet Coke. But when I started the car the sobs came out. It was the dead kid cry. It's a horrible horrible cry because it hurts so deeply in your chest.

I never left the front yard. I got that dang cry out and then prayed and prayed. And luckily I only went over my 5 minutes by 5 more. Then I came in and Second Angel and I talked about the new Supreme Court nominee for a second and then she gave me some heartfelt advice that I need to fill my tank up a bit because I am running out of stuff to give.

So maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. Maybe I need to pray for a way to fill my tank.

And she reminded me (she had told D to get his behind into bed and to quit screaming and of course he stopped) that the reason he treats me like that is because I'm the one he made the connection with. She said of course he isn't going to act like that to his Granny, DH or even her. Because in the end he doesn't really care so much whether they come or go. But his Granny told me that when he caught a fish the first thing he wanted to do was call me. It must be a horrible inner struggle to constantly feel like you have to push people away because they will disappoint you.

So I am reframing it, just a bit too late.

Oh and the other 3 are fine. M did a great job in the talent show considering she and her buddy didn't prepare much. I was really proud of her. I watched T at swim team on Friday and I couldn't believe at how much better he is doing. He was the first one done with chores on Saturday. It took the girls about 2 hours longer because they were dillydallying. (Oh and the chores were a 25-30 minute thing max!) C is just hilarious. M had some leftover Peeps from Easter. Everybody knows C's favorite color is blue. But this time she changed it to yellow to match the Peeps. M was a sucker and gave her one.

And with that, I am too tired to continue. I guess it's fortunate that it is past my bedtime :).