9 years

Today is my Niko's birthday. He would be nine years old. I haven't had much time to reflect on him in the last few months. In fact, I haven't had the time to really reflect on much of anything except making it through each day.

Last night, quite late, after shopping for a few last minute Christmas gifts, I reflected. I didn't do my traditional reflecting. It's usually about how the night before he was born we went to a big extended family party for DH's family. I wore ~shudder~ navy overalls that I am sure made me look like a giant butterball. That day had been a long one. After we went and saw the Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple.

Usually I go through all the motions on Niko's birthday eve. But last night I was too busy running around getting presents. It wasn't until I had to slow down and nurse my crying baby before going to bed. I held my little one, the only one that looks like Niko. He had such a different look than the other 3 biokids. As C has grown older it has made me really wonder what he would look like. I fed her and it opened the gate to remembering. I remembered his little scrawny baby. For a 34 weeker he was over 18 inches long. That's a long baby for that gestation. Because he wasn't getting all of his oxygen he only weighed 4 lbs. 2.5 oz. Someone who hasn't had a dead baby wouldn't understand how important that extra .5 oz is. For someone whose babies lives 1 minute the 1 minute is SO very important. But in reality how different is the outcome from someone who had a baby died in it's last moments in the birth canal? The outcome and the pain are the same. But the 1 minute is still so important to those people. To me that .5 oz was like another person's one minute. I know it doesn't matter and it almost makes me chuckle inside to think I would even think that way because it isn't me.

So I remembered a bit last night but not a ton as I was exhausted and knew that special birthday day or not there would be much work to do today.

C was up a bunch of the night. She slept for 3 hours and then got up screaming and would not go back down. I was having a hard time breathing again and so I got up to take the inhaler my mom gave me last night when I couldn't catch my breath. I ended up dealing with C for 2 hours. I kept thinking, okay, my little treasured crying baby. This is what I would have given my life for 9 years ago. I'm trying to treasure you. But will you please let me treasure you while you sleep in my arms.

She finally obliged and we stayed in a chair in my parents' family room. Then L started screaming, "Mom, come put my blankie on me NOW!" Hmmm.... she has this thing with screaming. You would think she would have clued in that we don't ever do things for her when she is throwing a tantrum. So she screamed. I sat in my chair and snuggled C. She screamed some more and then more. I didn't go back to sleep. I have to admit that it's hard to feel loving and attached feelings to any kid bio or not when they scream at you when you have only had 3 hours of sleep.

We got moving in the morning. Still, no real sadness came my way. Life has to be automated now to make it through. The toothbrushes are lined up. Toothpaste is dispensed. All teeth are checked. Hair is combed. Diapers are changed.

We went to get flowers, two bouquets. I felt that little emotion creeping in. But, there are breakables in the flower shop. Emotion had to get pushed back inside. Then we headed to the cemetery. The kids got so excited. You think Christmas lights are exciting. Try heading to the cemetery with some flowers. I lost it. How much trouble can kids get into at the cemetery? (Okay, they can get into some. D had to go to the car at the end because he wouldn't head DH's call to not walk on headstones.) The kids took the flowers and M tried to give Niko the short end of the stick. DH told her that today it was a leftover day for Joshua and to give the majority to Niko. Because M and T remember Joshua they seem to favor him just a bit. D kept asking me, "Mom, why are you crying?" He couldn't quite understand that I just might be sad. Should a five year old get it? How could I get him to understand that I would be sad when he didn't even cry when he left his parents never to see them again. I couldn't explain it to him. It makes me sad for him again. Maybe he was just given extra blessings of comfort, the kind we received when we had Niko. He really had no idea why I was sad.

Then the kids did their trek across the cemetery to Joshua. Someone a couple of 'doors' down did the brilliant thing and decorated the border of their kid's plot with really cute suckers made out of a bunch of those peppermints that you get from restaurants. 6 around one in the center on a stick. Well, it has rained in Arizona recently. And now there were bees EVERYWHERE. It was bee heaven. Have I mentioned how scared I am of stinging creatures. We stopped at Joshua's. I cried again. How could I not? Then I walked around to check out the new 'neighbors'. I found a little girl that had a birthday today. It would be her first. It was obvious her parents hadn't come out yet so I had M go and take some flowers off his grave to give to her. As a parent it's always nice to think that someone else stops by. That mom doesn't have to know that it wasn't someone that knows them.

We left and went to lunch, visited a friend, and bought shoes. C's are the only real 'Nikolas' shoes. She got purple suede boots. They are so not practical. I love them.

That was the day. Nine years ago now I knew that he had just died. I knew my life was in jeopardy if they didn't quickly deliver him. My life would have been so different. It would have been so much the same.

It's all part of a big plan. I am sure of that. Today I just took a break from trying to figure it out. It's back to the drawing board tomorrow.

We have have a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle for a life and we aren't going to get it put together unless we get back to figuring out how the pieces go together. Some days we don't make a single match. On those days we just sort things out or try to keep someone from messing up our hard work. Other days we get lucky and find several edges. I didn't figure anything out today. I know Niko fits into the picture. I know how he blessed our lives and helped us become who we are. I just wish I had a little more control over my puzzle.