I think I have been avoiding blogging because I don't have much that is chipper to say. I think I just haven't wanted to put in writing what was in my head because it means it's true.

First the good news- Let's do something positive to start :)

My basement is framed. I have someone coming to bid the duct work tomorrow and we are flying my father in to do the electrical next week. This gives me a lot of hope.

The kids have medicaid and therapists now. That's a big bonus because play therapy is pricey.

DH and I have had an offer from MIL to take the kids for two whole nights so we can go away. We are really looking forward to it. Perhaps we can sleep in past 6:30 am.

Now the bad-

I am lost on what to do with S. Today I had D at his therapy session and I left the T,S and C with a friend. I told her how we have been having problems with S choking C. She didn't try to choke her there, instead she pushed her down the stairs. Luckily my friend was there and caught her before she was hurt. On the way home she told me she was naughty and that she pushed C down the stairs.

The conversation went like this:

"Why did you push her down the stairs?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"S, that hurts C."

"I know, it hurts C. I wanted to push her."

I am just lost at what I can do. I keep C with me all day. I even take her to the bathroom with me. It's no surprise she is such a mama's girl.

I so hope the therapist can give me some really useful pointers. I told him that she could care less about time outs. We get a quick break when she is there but she doesn't care enough about them to have it alter any behaviour. Add to it the fact that she is into urinating after being in time out and you get one grumpy mom.

The therapist said much of what is hardest isn't even going to be our greatest obstacle. He said it's going to be the fact that she will quickly latch onto anyone. She really will. She'll hug the checkout lady at the store if we let her and ask, "What's your name?" He said it's a reattachment issue and that he used to work in a home for teenage girls and you could easily pick out the girls with that issue. I can imagine it now. She must be so confused inside to have such crazy behaviours. I won't even list them all because I don't think I want to remember them in twenty years. But I don't know what to do. Right now we are finding instead of the new kids making great strides, the others are just starting to do naughty things too. It's really discouraging.

D is doing quite well. He's really a sweet little boy by nature. The therapist said that we have years ahead to get him adjusted.

When we were leaving today the therapist told us not to adopt any more children. He said it would be a disservice to both D and S as well as M,T, and C. I knew it was going to be a long road. And, well, we already agreed we are up to our eyeballs with stuff to figure out. But he said it in such a way that made me think, dang, we have a long next five years or so. Wow! That's a long time.

I'm working on the pawning off the other kids thing. Of course, therapy has to be a priority. Still, it's a find a home for the other 3 twice a week type of thing. My poor friends. They have got to be thinking they didn't sign up for this. I would hire a sitter but it's tricky now that we have danger girl.

It's hard to think you can be a good mom when you aren't really able to get to all the needs of even one kid.

I was telling a friend that I always had sort of thought that my big 'trial' in life was going to be my two stillborn kids. Those weren't really easy experiences. I hate to say it but that seems like a piece of cake compared to trying to figure this out. I can't imagine Heavenly Father would give me more than I can handle. I just wish I could see how to handle it and keep my sanity.

Okay... That's enough complaining. Did I mention my basement is framed? :) Did I mention that DH was actually able to come home before 6:30 TWICE last week (he's still there tonight but still to be home two times before 6:30 is amazing for him).