Joshua's Day

Today was my little Joshua's 'angelversary'. We make the trip to Arizona to clean up his grave just like we do for Niko's day. Today was the strangest angelversary I have every, um, celebrated. I did not cry.

I always cry, at least a little. Today I didn't. There was too much of everyday life to deal with to fit in a few tears.

We let the kids play outside this morning. It was a gorgeous day in Arizona. D was having a rough time for some reason. I started taking pictures of the tantrums in case he would leave them behind once they were in a picture. It didn't work but I did get enough different faces to make a scrapbook page.

We went to a Cubs game. It's a tradition since our boys are buried right next to where the Cubs play for spring training. We didn't stay for the entire thing. The baby, C, was wiggly and D started screaming (literally) and throwing a fit saying he was bored. As soon as the snow cone was finished he started having a hard time. It was the third set of fits in the day and I realized that maybe he was having a hard time because he doesn't have control of his environment when we are on vacation. M was being a tease at the game which got D going even more. I wish she would stop that. T had a pretty good time. He, of course, likes the snowcones, but he seems to like the game a bit more too. And S, well, she spent some time throwing fits and some time petting some guys leg that was next to us. We tried to put a stop to that as quickly as we could.

We then went to a flower store (our flower store, we always go to the same one) and I ended up talking to the lady there. She was extra nice to D because he was pouting (over a consequence form the game). I think in the end it was good that he pouted a bit or I might not have talked to her for a bit longer. I found out some interesting news from her that might come in handy for someone I know. And that's all I can say about that right now. If things turned out it would make a rather crappy day very purposeful and wonderful.

We went over to the cemetery. C really seemed to like it. She did trip on a flat headstone that wasn't flat enough. Oops! S kept trying to steal things off of graves. She spent so much of her time pouting that she isn't really in the pictures I took of the kids there. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to let that spoil my cemetery time. I just love that place. It's so calm and peaceful. And the kids usually seem so happy there. The kids saved a big sunflower out of one of the bouquets for Joshua. Then they did my favorite thing and ran from one section through a few more to Niko's. I took a picture but it was blurry as I was running too. Someone had put flowers in Niko's flower holder. I'm not so sure who did it but they look new. That was really nice. I have no clue who would do that for Niko and not Joshua. Maybe it was one of the 'neighbors' being nice. It's a treat one way or the other to see new flower there. S ended up getting buckled in the car early. She wouldn't stop stealing things from other graves and licking headstones. I can handle touching other people's pinwheels, wishing you had a toy on a headstone, but licking one, not so much.

We went to visit a friend tonight. The kids had a great time there. It was a nice break from the day. DH and I tried our hands at golf on the Wii. What fun that is! I'm sure I could get used to having one. I wonder if Wii housework would be more fun than the real kind.

And now the kids are in bed. The baby is still sick. She is coughing up a storm tonight. T wasn't able to breath tonight. Hopefully his puffer is enough. The air is really bad in Phoenix right now. And me, I miss my little babe. I miss both of them. If Joshua had survived things would be so very different. We would not have D and S and in reality, we most likely wouldn't have the baby either. It was only because of him that we caught her problems in utero.

It's crazy because I can't really imagine my chaos filled life with him in it right now. Yet, I can't remember my life without him either. He was my chunky monkey baby, a total linebacker type of babe. I remember T not really knowing what was going on. He just held his baby brother and was so proud to finally be the big brother we had been talking about him becoming. M was more confused. She knew things were wrong. It was a hard time with her. I hope life turns out well for M and T. They have had some hard times between life after Joshua, life right before C (and then after because she was such a screamer), and well, with this latest addition of new kids and new challenges. I hope they are up for the task.

Okay, so a few tears have now fallen. It's time to go and down them with a Diet Coke. I guess it's not that the tears were not there. There was just too much in the way to allow for the time to remember. Maybe in 17 years when all the kids are out of the house and there is time to remember I'll have one really crazy angelversary year because I will finally have the time to sit back, reflect, and remember.

I have not forgotten. I think things are just tucked back in a very super safe place right now. Too much of life is getting nicked and bruised right now and I can't afford for my special memories to be tarnished. I'm just going to leave them in their safe place until it's safe to bring them out.