The Dangers of Blogsurfing

What in the heck is someone who loves a good bedtime doing up after midnight? Blogsurfing.

It started with the dang Olympics. How dare they put the end of the snowboard cross and the pairs figure skating at the very end? Do they think real people even stay up that late? DH gave up on the the snowboarding even though he was waiting the entire day for it. I stayed up and watched to the end of the figure skating. It's the first time I have watched television (well other than Little Mosque on youtube) in weeks.

Then of course I have to check my email because who knows what important spam could come my way at this hour. Onto facebook I went and then the dang blogsurfing began.

It's so easy to get lost while going from one blog to another.

I was at a blog for a mom who wants to have 5000 people doing acts of kindness to mark her baby's birthday. Her baby was born just days before Joshua. Then I surfed her links and went from link to link. It's weird how different people grieve. I see a little bit of myself in each of them.

And some of them, well, they are crazy.

So I read their stories and it reminded me that I miss my boys. Heck, Niko would be old enough to be a babysitter for short periods of time. It would be so fun to see how a boy that looked so much like DH would turn out. He must of had DH's genes as he was almost as long as a 40 weeker and he was 6 weeks early. And Joshua, oh how I wonder about him. Would he be trying to shoot hoops with the big boys in the neighborhood every time the sun comes out? Would he be in the Bakugan camp or the Pokemon one?

I just miss them. I wonder if it's like this forever. You just kind of keep wondering what they would be like year after year. It's a really strange type of grief that comes about from having your baby die.

I think this is also coming up a bit because I get to go and meet with S and D's therapist tomorrow. The psych told me to go and chat with her and just lay everything on the line so I can get it out of my system. So that's my plan. And of course, I am anticipating the throwing of generalities about how for the most part such and such a thing just doesn't really happen and isn't something to be worried about. But that's crap. Someone is always the stinkin' statistic and that someone was me twice. I know too many statistics. But they have names and they aren't super thrilled with being the one either. I'm trying to prepare myself so I don't have some freaky breakdown that makes her think I am one of the crazies. Because I generally don't have dead kid breakdowns. Give me a couple a year and I'm good. But what if it hits tomorrow. And I can't have a breakdown because I need to be on my game so I can really process what is helpful so I can try to do what I can to held D and S.

I don't want the rest of life plagued with how I should have done things better with them. The grief from Niko and Joshua only comes back here and there. But not being able to help D and S would create a much more pressing grief. And although I often wish we had a closed adoption with S and D, I am sort of glad that at least biomom gets to see a picture of the kids now and then. I would think it helps a little bit.

Whew! It's always good to get that type of thing out. I think I can just about go to sleep now.

And something about each kid today-

M: almost has her splits on one side... she has been practicing diligently
T: played outside today in footed pj's (he's a bit on the giant side for that to look right)
D: breaking out of the last cycle (knock on wood)
S: decided she didn't like trying to boss C around when C hit her with a sippy cup.
C: hit S with a sippy cup and kept asking for more and more asparagus at dinner