The Ugly Me

You know, I have always sort of 'prided' myself on being a Pollyanna type of girl. I'm all about trying to be cheerful and happy. Today I had to face the ugly me.

I had a 'dementor' day today. S (who used to be L but that is another very LONG story) had quite the two year old day today. I don't know if I expected too much out of her or not. But after she had emptied all the kids shampoo out, was told not to do that, emptied out all of the adult shampoo and conditioner, sneaked candy, sneaked it again as I was throwing out the original, and then gave C a purposeful and very hard blow to the chest (that knocked her to the ground) with her foot I had about had it. She has the normal two year old stuff going on (emptying the shampoo out the first time) and I understand that. I don't like it, but really, what mom does? It was the blow to C that just pushed me over the top. It was so horrible. I understand a little pushing here and there. It's not pretty but most kids do it. But what she did wasn't pushing. I was even holding her at the time because I didn't know what else to do with her.

I just started sobbing as I wondered how in the world I was going to ever make this work. It was that horrible icky cry, a spidermama cry for those of you that know her, and it was ugly. I called a friend to see if I could take her for a few minutes and she wasn't there. Looking back, it was a good thing. I set her in a corner where there was nothing to entertain her and told her not to leave. And then I did what I should have done months ago. After having made sure that C was okay I got down on my knees and pleaded with my maker. I finally fessed up to him all of the feelings I was having. It's not that I don't think he knew what was going on anyway, it's that I hadn't wanted to really just say it to him. I have been trying to attack this as if I have all the control to make it happen. Who am I to think that I can really do that by myself? I finally told him that it was a much bigger task than I could handle. I couldn't pretend that the ugly me didn't exist to the One who knows all. I'm not so proud of myself anymore.

I still don't know quite what to do. I called the places that our insurance covers for mental health (well for kids) and I was told that they are either not taking new patients or are booked until March. I am waiting for a call back from the last place. It's over 20 miles away but I still think it would be worth it. If they can't do it I don't know what I'll do. I need help figuring out what to do with her. It's going to be some extra work no matter what. I can't figure out how I can get that far out between their hours of 9:30 am and 3:30 pm when it's a 30 minute drive and we have kindergarten smack dab in the middle. But something has to change because I can't have the dementor thing happening over and over. I can put in the work but I would really like to think that it was doing something.

Other than that things are moving along. D had a great day at preschool again yesterday. It is just so great for him. His teacher told me he fit in so well and that all the kids really liked him. He and T have been playing with their tool sets since yesterday. They are loving them. They go around pretending to fix everything.

T had his walking report card. He is doing amazingly well in school. His teacher told me she really doesn't have behaviour problems with him. I told her she was using up all of his really good time and that maybe she should leave me a little. She laughed. I told her about my concerns on his reading comprehension. (the Who's did? thing) and she said she noticed it too. She said he could skip a level now on just reading but she did a test for his comprehension just the other day and asked him where the story took place. His response was, "in the library." They were reading in the library. I don't know if he doesn't understand what he reads or he just doesn't care to. Still, he is doing well.

M's teachers raved about her. They actually told us that if we were too busy we could do a phone conference but I told them I wanted her to come in so she could hear them rave about her a bit. It gave her a little M time with just mom and dad.

So that's where life is at. I should quickly add, I am once again horrified at my grammar in these things. I reread a bunch of posts and decided that I should reread them but then decided I can't or I'll never hit publish.